Ways for a cat to train its human...

Someone bought me this great book so I thought I'd share some of the funnier bits. It's called 100 ways for a cat to train its human! I won't write all 100 but here are some of my favourites:

* To make sure your human understands that you are alpha cat, head of the family and pack leader institute a status-reduction programme immediately. Your human must learn that you have first right to all chairs, beds and doorways. You expect to be fed first and go through doors first. A happy human knows its place in the pecking order - well below that of the cat.

* Though humans cannot speak cat they vocalise repeatedly. Most of their vocalisations are meaningless and can be safely ignored.

* A few human vocalisations are worth remembering. Keep an ear open for one aversive human vocalisation - the 'vet' noise. When you hear this leave home for the whole day, or if you are kept indoors, hide.

* You may also detect a repeated sound such as 'Sam', 'Tibbles' or 'Sooty'. This sound marks a primitive human attempt at the kitten-call chirrup. Dogs come when they are called. We cats take a message and get back later - maybe.

* Obedience training - take control of your human and never let it initiate an action. If your human walks towards you, walk away. If it tries to pet you, turn your back. All petting and games should be at your timing, not its choice.

* Knead their lap with your front paws. Humans appreciate this kitten-like gesture but find it extremely painful. Have fun seeing their mix of pleasure and pain.

* Place your bottom on the newspaper your human is reading, being careful to cover the area being scanned by its eyes.

* If you have a gentle and loving human, claw its tights or nip its ankles. Do not do this with agressive humans , as it can result in the boot.

* Refuse to eat from a can of food that has been opened from a previous meal. This will train your owner into buying a new small can for each meal, and we cats know this is the most expensive and tasty sort of food.

* Letting humans sleep inside the bed with you is a good way to ensure a night-long hot-water bottle.

* Reclaim the duvet during the night. This is done by gentle but firm pressure, inching your way so that the sleeping human cannot help but move off your space. This photo was actually taken when me and husband were in the bed (trying to sleep). Could she be any more central??

* Anything soft - clean laundry, mink coats, lingerie, ball gowns - makes a cat bed, except a newly purchased cat bed.

* Do some catnip. Lie on your back and roll your eyeballs. Making your human laugh is they key to a continuous supply. A laughing human soon becomes a catnip drug dealer.

* Ways of avoiding swallowing a pill include: running up on the curtains and drapes, jumping on the top of the wardrobe, climbing up a tree, hiding on the roof, crawling up the chimney, diving out of the window, sitting very quietly indeed in a dark cupboard.

* If human mating activities interfere with your sleep, take a firm line. Put an end to those interruptions by sleeping between the human pair. If necessary, rehome one of the humans.

www.barkitty.co.uk